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Matthew Murray: nghtmrchld26…In His Own Words (Updated)

As most of you know, it has been determined that Matthew Murray was the shooter in two incidents at religious organization s in Colorado which left five people dead…includi ng Murray.

The following entries are Matthew Murrays postings on an internet site where ex-pentecost als share their thoughts and experiences. Aside from the first entry, I’ve attempted to organize them in date order so the reader is able to follow the progression of his thoughts and his obviously spiraling hopelessness and depression. Let me be clear…I don’t offer this observation as a defense for Murray’s actions…they cannot be justified. Rather, it is an opportunity for us to learn more about the dynamics which lead these individuals to such heinous acts.

The first entry includes a music video which I think is fundamental to understandin g the mechanics involved in these individuals attempts to dissociate themselves from their religious upbringings. I contend that the imagery in this song…though seen by Matthew and others as a means to rebel against or reject their religious ideology…is in fact still attached to the constructs and notions that were found in their faith.

Further, the imagery in both (their prior faith and their newfound anti-faith) is a manifestatio n of extremes…ext remes that often preclude these individuals from achieving some semblance of balance in their lives. In essence, in order to achieve the freedom they seek and to break the ties of the belief system they’ve been raised to follow, they move towards the very images and ideations which they were presented as representati ve of the “other side”…images and ideations which are no more real than the ones they seek to reject.

Unfortunatel y, they often lack the means to visualize their rejection of faith in ways which would bring balance and a far more healthy world view. In the end, the place they arrive is little more than a rejection construct populated by the same extreme concepts they seek to escape…ever steeped in the vividly defined notions of darkness which they have been instructed to resist.

I intend to offer additional observations and analysis of these writings but I wanted to first get them published so readers have an opportunity to ruminate on Murray’s state of mind as well as the circumstance s which contributed to his tragic decision.

NOTE: I’ve included more of my own thoughts at the end of the posting.

Subject: From the Cradle to Enslave - Music Video
Posted By: nghtmrchld26 Friend
Posted At: 10/29/07 8:52 pm
Reply

I saw this band in concert recently, They kicked a**.
Some people say this is “just entertainmen t,” but for me, and some of my friends, the songs bands like this sing are VERY REAL, it’s kind of something we can “see” and can feel and in a spiritual sense and we’re able to “connect” “into” the music. Very powerful song…..

Editor’s Warning: This video contains adult content, violence, & is rather disturbing.

Comment Thread Number One:

First Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 3
(1/14/07 2:17 am)
Reply

the “Council for National Policy” and evangelicals

I remember growing up in pentecostali sm/evangelic alism, we were always told to support the republicans/ conservative s and to “hate those evil satanic democrats.” Jesus never said to put our trust in any political leader, yet we see so many christians trying sooooo hard to believe that “America was founded on fundamentali st evangelical christianity and we must turn america back towards God!!!(the evangelica/f undamentalis t/pentecosta l version nontheless)”

This ties right into what is known as Dominionism.

en.wikipedia .org/wiki/Co u…nal_Policy

www.sourcewa tch.org/inde x…nal_Policy

www.au.org/s ite/News2?pa g…9&abbr=cs_

www.alternet .org/story/2 1372/

I find this “Council for National Policy” interesting.

One of the things I want to know is:

Why do these evangelical/ pentecostal leaders condemn “the occult”/”fre emasonry” yet they themselves are part of or at least completely ignore a group that itself has secret membership, secret meetings, and is invitation only.

Of course, this secretive christian/ev angelical “CNP” group raises many questions…….

Second Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 39
(8/6/07 2:20 am)
Reply

Re: the “Council for National Policy” and evangeli

According to a WorldNetDail y columnist Rick Warren said in November 2006 that he was a member of a group called the “Council on Foreign Relations.”

www.worldnet daily.com/ne w…E_ID=53688

Note that I am not necessarily saying that Rick Warren and the CFR are bad or evil.

Third Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 37
(8/5/07 4:46 pm)
Reply

Re: the “Council for National Policy” and evangeli

Here is an ABCNews article on them:

“Meet the Most Powerful Conservative Group You’ve Never Heard Of”

abcnews.go.c om/Politics/ s…170&page=1

____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ _
Mister Crowley…….

Comment Thread Number Two:

First Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 12
(3/14/07 8:52 pm)
Reply

pentecostal insanity regarding media/entert ainment

Growing up, TV, Internet/com puters, video games, music, Christian contemporary music, movies and books were all extremely restricted. All those things carried this……my stique about them. They were like these mythical things imbued with incredible power straight from Satan, all run by Satanist covens operating out of Hollywood, Washington D.C.(when Bill Clinton was in office), and abortion clinics. Except there was one problem… ……the senior pastor and his close church friends and their families all watched TV/Cable TV, had the internet, listened to at least some non-Christia n music and all listened to CCM, video games(includ ing those satanic “T” and “M” rated ones), and all, especially the senior pastor, had “R” Movie collections. Me and some of the other non-elite church youth and members asked about these contradictio ns but never received any answers.

I still remember how we were told that “The Simpsons” was a very evil and Satanic TV show with the intent of causing people to leave Christianity  (as if that’s a bad thing). As a teenager my mother had the TV tuner removed by a TV technician so that it could only receive from the AV inputs, meaning, could only watch VHS and DVDs. I remember me and the other church youth would go over to the Senior pastor’s house and ask to watch the very same movie that his 10 year old son or daughter had told us they’d watch and be told “sorry guys, that’s rated ‘R,’ it’s not Godly.” Of course we’d ask “but then why do you have it?” Sometimes he’d lie, other times he’d just say “sorry…y ou can’t.”

I remember wanting to listen to Christian music and be told by my parents and other church members that we couldn’t, EVEN THOUGH the senior pastor’s and other church leader’s families did.

Internet was treated as one of Satan’s special weapons in the “end-times ” to promote sex(which everyone knows is of the Devil…..) Everyone was terrified that one of us teenagers *might* get a glimpse of a naked body and become demon possessed. This always confused me for how can viewing what God designed be satanic at the same time? And if we “lust” are the demons able to read our thoughts and somehow *know* to seize upon us? Isn’t it possible to see nudity without *lusting* somehow? Of course, the senior pastor’s two oldest children, one male the other female, got someone pregnant and got pregnant; the other two younger ones were proven to be sexually active. Other church leader’s children were sexually active.

Music was VERY restricted of course. We got all kinds of lectures on how Satanist covens had some kind of backmasking technology and were partnered with all the artists, including Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Britney Spears, Madonna and N’sync. Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith were said be in on it too…even though the “elite” members of the church listened to them. Growing up, I was restricted to listening to….sermon s on the radio or through tapes.

Books were VERY restricted. We were only allowed to read Christian books and forced to memorize the bible. When Harry Potter came out we were all given lectures about how “we’re living in the end times and Satan is trying to capture the children and make them all witches!!!! I knew of a few people who got harassed for letting their kids read Harry Potter.

I remember with all these different forms of media it was like I was always in Mission Impossible. We were either at church or being brainwashed in Christian home school. When we did have free time…we were either forced to pray, read the bible, do chores, or…..well nothing since we were not allowed to do anything. We were all being trained to “become the future of Christianity .” “The chosen generation that is going to turn America back to God in these last days.”

“The chosen generation who are going to become great prophets and pastors and evangelists and missionaries in the world.”

“The chosen generation who are going to take over the world and do away with everyone else’s false satanic religion and take dominion until Jesus returns!!!!!  !”

Well, I got all fed up with the insanity, hypocrisy, conflicting doctrines, the and lack of absolute answers in regards to “salvation  ,” heaven and hell and other theological issues, the child abuse, brainwashing  , lies, gossip, scandals, threats and fear mongering. I got tired of always hearing “oooohh, you’re saved by grace, not by works!” “Everybody loves you! Jesus loves you!” only to hear about how I was going to hell for watching “The simpsons” or could lose my salvation and could never be certain if 30 years from now I might lose it due to some odd sin and die in an accident and end up in this eternal hell preached to us day and night.

Me, I found a new Law to live by and I realized… I don’t have to be abused nor submit to these liars and their lies nor do I have to be afraid of this make-believe hell and false theory of salvation which no fundamentali st Christian could ever give solid answers on.

Me and many others are waking up.
We will rise up above and against these abuses against humanity.
Men will no longer be ruled by fear and superstition  , oppressed by bigotry and tyranny.

____________ ____________ ____________ __________
Every man and every woman is a star

Edited by: nghtmrchld26 at: 3/15/07 8:43 am

Second Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 13
(3/16/07 7:21 am)
Reply

Re: pentecostal insanity regarding media/entert ainment

Yeah Diamond girl, when I was a teenager my mother would do a pat down to check for music, DVDs and video games whenever I came out of an electronics store like Best Buy or Circuit City. I’d still obtain things anyways, it was like getting drugs from a drug dealer, EVERYTHING had to be done in secret. lol

I remember getting thrown around the room and hit while getting interrogated about whether or not I had video games and DVDs. Then there were the constant interrogatio ns by the church pastors. @#%$ hypocrites.

I remember having to listen to everything in secret, at very low volume levels or with headphones, whether it was video games, TV, DVDs, or music/radio. Every day was like Mission Impossible, as even ONE mis-step and it could be all over.

My mother would search EVERYWHERE on a regular basis. You’d have thought I was hiding methamphetam ines(which her favorite pastor, Ted Haggard was found guilty of) or something serious….but it was all over DVDs, Cds, and video games, the issue of drug abuse or the like never came up. And when she confiscated something, she’d almost never tell me. She’d always pretend like she had no idea what I was talking about, until I had her cornered with evidence….so much for “Liars go to the lake of fire.”

Edited by: nghtmrchld26 at: 3/16/07 7:28 am

Comment Thread Number Three:

First Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 29
(5/30/07 10:37 pm)
Reply

Crying all alone in pain in the nightmare of christianity …
welcome to our nightmare…….

Crying all alone in pain losing all reserve….I can’t wake up out of this nightmare……. .
Insane? Am I the only @#%$ with a brain?……..

Maze…psychop athic daze…I create this waste
Back away from tangents, on the verge of drastic
ways…can’t escape this place…I deny your face
Sweat gets in my eyes, I think I’m slowly dying

Put me in a homemade cellar
Put me in a hole for shelter
Someone hear me please, all I see is hate
I can hardly breathe, and I can hardly take it!

HANDSONMYFAC EOVERBEARING ICAN’TBREAKO UT!
Lost…ran at my own cost…hearing laughter, scoffed
Learning from the rush, detached from such and such
Bleak…all around me, weak…listeni ng, incomplete
I am not a dog, but I’m the one your dogging…

I am crying here in a buried kennel
I have never felt so final
Someone find me please, losing all reserve
I am @#%$ gone, I think I’m @#%$ dying
HANDSONMYFAC EOVERBEARING ICAN’TGETOUT  !

You all stare, but you’ll never see
There is something inside me
You all stare, but you’ll never see
There is something in you I despise

Cut me! show me! beat me! molest me! abuse me! @#%$ me! hate me! break me! Rape me! kill me!
Here is my purity……
Enter this nightmare… ..I am willing and able and never any danger to myself
Knowledge in my pain, knowledge in my pain, just….@#%$ acknowledge all my pain, acknowledge all my pain…..knowl edge in my pain……
Or was my tolerance a phase?
Empathy! out of my way!
I can’t die…..I can’t die…..I can’t die…..tranci ng out into another dark reality as the pain fades away….my purity…..
You all stare, but you’ll never see
There is something inside me
You all stare, but you’ll never see
There is something in you I despise…..
have you ever seen God?……have you ever seen God?
have you ever……

____________ ____________ ____________ ______
Mister Crowley…….

Second Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 30
(5/31/07 6:01 pm)
Reply

Re: contact me please

I’ve already been working with counselors. I have a point to make with all this talk about psychologist s and counselors “helping people with their pain”…….

it’s so funny how many people want to help you and love you and counsel you and “work with you through your pain” when there’s money involved……he ck I can go down to the bar, hand out money and drinks and have people who “love” me and want to listen to me…………I can go to a “prophetic retreat/work shop” for $150 or more and get “personal prophetic ministry”……a sk all these people who “sincerely love and care” to counsel and work with and be there for someone in pain for FREE…….aint gonna happen…..mon ey or the lack thereof certainly changes things….

Me….I want something REAL, not more games. My ex-church will say they all love me, everyone loves me don’t they? I had JW’s knock on my door and say that Jehovah loves me and that they’d love to have me meet with them…..but do they have any REAL answers? “Love” in our commercial and christian America is just a word to get people to convert, to get people’s money…..

____________ ____________ ____________ _______
Mister Crowley……

Third Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 32
(5/31/07 6:36 pm)
Reply

Re: Crying all alone in pain in the nightmare of christiani

FYI This was written in early 2006

Comment Thread Number Four:

First Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 58
(9/7/07 9:13 pm)
Reply

“Prophetic Child”

Since I was at least age 6 my mother and her church friends have always told me about how my birth was “foretold.” They say that while I was still in my mother’s womb a “prophet” told my mother that I was to be, quote, “a prophet to the nations” and something along the lines of the next Billy Graham/Peter Wagner.

They said that the following verses applied to me:

Mat. 12.18 and Ezk. 36:26-28

Basically, they believe that I am their “chosen one” for “the end times” and according to the Ezekial passage they believe that I am going to go back to their church/syste m.

The problem right now is the fact that it appears that they are always going to pursue me throughout life(and they have said so), as I am supposedly the “chosen one.” As far as I can tell they did not treat the other youth the same way.

Well, I don’t want to be their “chosen one” at all. I just wish I could find some way to wake up from this nightmare.

____________ ____________ ____________ ______
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it’s funny but what the f*** do you think it’s doing to me?
You take your turns lashing out at me…………

Mister Crowley……..

Second Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 59
(9/8/07 3:01 pm)
Reply

Re: “Prophetic Child”

All alone crying in this nightmare
You and me we have no faces
Soon our lives will be erased
Do you think they will remember?
Or will we just be replaced
Oh I wish that I could see
How I wish that I could fly
From these things that hang above me
To a place where I can cry

They don’t see us anymore
Without love as they had promised
And no faith for what’s in store
Oh I wish that I could see
How I wish that I could fly
From these things that hang above me
To a place where I can cry
Where are all these feelings hiding?
Dancing in and out my mind
Burning up all that I long for
Feeding me till my decline
Where are you? My soul is bleeding
I am searching, am I blind?
All alone and bound forever
Trapped inside me for all time

So what can it be?
No one hears me call
Echoes back at me…..
No one’s there…..
To all these nameless feelings
I can’t deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You’ve got to fill your hunger
And stop @#%$ with my mind
I know it’s time to leave these places far behind…… …….

____________ ____________ ____________ ____
You break my back, but you won’t break me
All is black, but I still see
Time’s going to wash away all pain

Third Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 60
(9/8/07 3:46 pm)
Reply

Re: “Prophetic Child”

Yeah.

And I was supposed to keep this “calling” completely secret from outsiders. Like even other christians were not supposed to know if they were not a part of the “church elite” at that church and with my mother.

____________ ____________ _____
Mister Crowley……

Fourth Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 87
(11/4/07 12:14 am)
Reply

Re: “Prophetic Child”

In this prophecy, they also believe that it was “prophesied” that I would rebel, but then RETURN to their church and that’s helping to drive me crazy.

They will always be targeting me,hoping and praying I’ll come back, waiting for some weakness(fin ancial, health, or otherwise) so they can move in and re-convert me. Sometimes I fear I’ll end up going back. Sometimes the depression gets so dark, and trying to live in the “real unsheltered world” gets so hard I start to think about returning back to what is at least “familiar,” into a system I at least know how to behave and live in. I know there is a way out of this nightmare

It’s just so f***ed up that this is the whole reason I was born.
The virgins are feeling cheated and there is an exit here,
Don’t say it isn’t it’s true……

I went to God just to see………

____________ ____________ ____________ ________
No salvation..h a ha….and no forgiveness… ..ha ha ha…this Nightmare is beyond your experience

Fifth Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 88
(11/4/07 1:36 pm)
Reply

Re: “Prophetic Child”

ok yeah, all these crazy memories. I can’t fully remember and if i try too hard the room will start spinning and I’ll go crazy. but yeah…..

Yeah I agree. No matter how hardcore cult-like these end of days dominionist pentecostal charismatic church members want to be…I’ll never give in. They can make fun of me, harass me, and even break my back…but they won’t break me.

I’m working on a way out here, time is going to wash away all pain.

____________ ____________ ____________ _________
Yesterday I was dirty wanted to be pretty
I know now that I’m forever dirt
We are the Nobodies, want to be somebodies

Comment Thread Number Five:

First Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 38
(8/5/07 6:26 pm)
Reply

Drowning in despair

you raped the soul from the child in me……..

Crying all alone
The tears flowing down my face in a beautiful stream
The lovely misery and lonely darkness surrounding me
As I see everyone going on with their meaningless vain fake lives
All the posers and wannabes
All the abusers

Crying all alone
Cutting myself
High off the pain and darkness
Seeing so many fakers hating me
So many of my friends who have abandoned me
So many spiritual pretenders who failed to help me.
I’m your nightmares come true
You think you can punish me but you fail to see
That I’ve lived through a thousand nightmares
And all your worst Christian fears are coming true

Walking down these hallways
Of mirrors and sadness seeing myself
Crying all alone as everyone takes their turn
Raping all that I am
Cutting myself killing this pain
Someone help me please
I can’t get out and I am slowly dying

Come and sing with me
This beautiful song of sadness and misery
Cutting ourselves
Crying awash in crimson

Come and sing this song…
As we die and leave this miserable life behind
Can you not see the elegant beauty?
Rays of light like gold silk flowing throughout this place
Beautiful tears of crimson streaming down our bodies
Our work is done here, we’re going home
Let us fly away into the dying sunset
Can you not hear this beautiful song?
As all the pain fades away
Taking your last breath
As the blood and pain drains
Leaving everyone…….. left
To die in their misery and hypocrisy
We’re going home to a beautiful place far away from here

____________ ____________ ____________ ____________
It’s all in your head……it’s all in my head…..
I tried…you lied to me for so long…..
Everywhere I go there’s a sense of it…….
freak on my antics and give me a choice
Doesn’t matter if I give a @#%$….. it’s @#%$ that you gave me

Edited by: nghtmrchld26 at: 11/11/07 11:04 pm

Second Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 50
(8/21/07 11:42 pm)
Reply

Re: Drowning in despair

Thanks for understandin g DiamondGirl!

Come closer for myself and let your angels fly away.
As I am forgiven by them……my angels
Feel mine cleansing touch….fall through your worlds…
fall…..onto me
Let me caress you….
Let me take you through my worlds
Let them taste you with this night
with this tongue of this might…..
Perish……onto us…feel your mind weaken and your cold body withered…us crying…gaspi ng for relief
let us… take off far into this night
far away within distress to die….
Your mind….losing all sanity
Leaving these bloodstained ashes
Tears streaming down your face
Fade away as we leave this hopeless place
Step into the light on the other side…….
Crying in distress…..
Some of us were only born to die
Learning lessons that become us…..
Let us take off far away into this night of distress…..

Edited by: nghtmrchld26 at: 8/23/07 12:09 am

Third Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 52
(8/28/07 1:30 am)
Reply

Re: Drowning in despair

I just wish I could find where to leave all of this hurt behind.

____________ ____________ ____________ __________
The downward spiral…..

Fourth Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 67
(10/1/07 1:08 pm)
Reply

Re: Drowning in despair

But why care about a world that doesn’t care about me anyways? And why go on living in a world that doesn’t want me?

Caring never felt so lame inside. There’s just no answers.

Everyone has the same unoriginal s*** to say:
“Have you seen a therapist?” “Have you tried medications? ”
“Have you tried thinking positive happy thoughts about the world?” “Maybe you should try counseling?” “Maybe you should try to just not be this way” “Just try taking one day at a time work towards your degree in college” “Don’t worry, it will all get better”

Guess what? Believe it or not…..I’VE TRIED ALL THAT

People then usually assume that I only tried prozac(or some other drug) for two days and got upset that it didn’t “work” and they say “oh well, you need to give it more than a couple of days to work”….I don’t know how 8 months is only a few days…but maybe you f***ers who can only come up with lame ass answers need a good ass kicking
These lamers will also say “well maybe try a different therapist?” or “just…….keep trying”

Yeah….that’s right, this nightmare terrifies you crack addicts, other people claiming to be depressed, all you people who think you’re so depressed over some stupid divorce……you people tell me yourself you’re terrified of this kind of depression and of this nightmare. No one has any answers. I’ve talked to lots of people about this, and they first say “oh well….you couldn’t possibly know about REAL depression…. .I’ve been through alcohol and drug addiction, and recently a divorce, my parents kicked me out at age 15, I can’t go to college because I don’t have money and I have kids to support……..e tc…..etc…….” and then they always say “but I know it’s always going to get better and that I have a lot to live for”

Well @#%$…..you’r e in much better shape and have a lot more hope than I have…… and then I’ll tell them “I’m not sure if this is REAL depression…. but here’s what I’m dealing with and how I’m feeling……”

The response so far is always the same. The person who claimed to have it so much worse than me, is suddenly shaken, and *tranced* out and given a glimpse of The Nightmare that me and my friends have grown up in. This person who first said “oh no honey, not to discount what you’re going through but I’m dealing with some dark depressing things a young person like you doesn’t understand” is now telling me in a quivering voice….”uh…. .that’s……pre tty dark writing…..an d creative too…uh…..hav e you thought of counsling?” I said “well yeah, didn’t really change anything” “well I don’t really want to hear about depressing things and…” “But I thought you said you were really depressed?” “yeah…but…ho ney…I don’t know what to tell you about….lets just change the subject”

Sorry but this isn’t some pity story of where someone got touched in the wrong place once or twice or where some girl got raped only twice….this is The Nightmare that just goes on and on and me some of my church friends just cannot even fully remember what all happened, much less understand why……

This is also the downward spiral here….no one has any real answers, only lame answers and fear of what me and my friends grew up in, and fear of the depressing aftermath.

On the positive side, that fact that we’ve survived this long means we’re a LOT stronger than most people, especially these lamers who are terrified of my poetry. We’re stronger than these pentecostal Youth With A Mission assholes who said “you can’t be writing down your feelings, especially not about depression.” We’ve proven that we’re a lot stronger than these sick bastards in the charismatic and pentecostal movement.

Welcome to the Nightmare

____________ ____________ ____________ ________
You can’t kill me because I’m already inside you

Fifth Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 71
(10/6/07 1:37 am)
Reply

Re: Drowning in despair

here we go again mother****** s
trancing out into a nightmare of sadness and insanity as flashbacks come flooding in and taking over, shaking and all alone in this nightmare…….

You raped the soul from the child in me…….
Bow down to the land of the free
Bow down to your world that made me me
Bury the nails into the one like me
Consecrating the lies and exalting false prophecy
Tearing apart souls of man and all his goals
Offer benedictions and wills to plague your…
Souls….is made, in a so-called God
The taste of sulfur and rain
Your churchianity christ now turns on man
And brings him pain
Bow down to a lying clergy of sodomy
Bow down to the world that rejected me….
A gun to the temple of a world enslaved
by the lies that bind us to a faded hope
And a promise of salvation that is only a lie
Ensures the perversion that you try to hide
will become as dust that will fade in time
To take this world of hate
Of torture, our fate
Will rest in hands
That sow the seeds of rape

____________ ____________ ____________ ________
Mister Crowley……wha t went on in your head?

Who’s mistake am I anyways?
Edited by: nghtmrchld26 at: 10/6/07 1:53 am

Sixth Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 75
(10/17/07 1:02 pm)
Reply

Re: Drowning in despair
“I can’t remember anything, can’t tell if this is true or fake
Deep down inside I feel this way
This terrible silence stops me
Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up and I can not see
That there’s not much left of me….nothing here but pain now” - Metallica - One

Quietly these colours will fade
but soon they will be as one.
for a moment i will stare
into this deep saddened sea
and will suffer the death’s fright
under these waves emotions lay,
still never they’ll return
as they are laid to rest.
Into this one lonely life,
which, perhaps is growing
painfully…
into life to die…
all life will be gone
leaving myself and all this pain…
into the spheres of emotions…
emotions…
I thought…….
there’s nothing left for me,
anymore…. everything is gone
nothing left to feel nor to understand
I did not want to live my life
nor did i even want
to live for my death…….
strong it is indeed….life …
strange to be born for death….

____________ ____________ _____
Standing here hollow…..

Seventh Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 76
(10/17/07 3:09 pm)
Reply

Re: Drowning in despair

You and me we have no faces
Soon our lives will be erased
Do you think they will remember?
Or will we just be replaced
Oh I wish that I could see
How I wish that I could fly
From these things that hang above me
To a place where I can cry
You and me, we are all alone in this
They don’t see us anymore
Without love as they had promised
And no faith for what’s in store
Oh how I wish that I could see
How I wish that I could fly
From these things that hang above me to a place where I can cry
Where are all these feelings hiding?
Dancing in and out my mind
Burning up all that I long for
Feeding me till my decline
Where are you? My soul is bleeding… ..I am searching, am I blind?
All alone and bound forever
Trapped inside me for all time
So what can it be?
No one hears me call
Echoes back at me…..
No one’s there…..
To all these nameless feelings I can’t deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You’ve got to fill your hunger
And stop f***ing with my mind
I know it’s time to leave these places far behind…… …….

____________ ____________ ____________ __
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You take your turns lashing out at me……
what the **** do you think it’s doing to me?

Eighth Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 77
(10/19/07 2:48 am)
Reply

Re: Drowning in despair

Inside and around I see misery, suffering
A new level of depth for my depression
Thought I could only climb from now
Unable to see below its depths
Got used to it so that it wasn’t as bad…….

Now on my dark ledge I am falling further
Where are my friends? Someone grasp me
But no one reaches for I have nothing left to give them
My use for them is gone and so is their respect for me
Hitting a deeper level I crash hard
My anger screams, sorrow and hate contorting together
In a fit my temper explodes, tearing my hair, punching my face
Ripping my skin to release it from within
Screams of sorrow increasing my hate
Sentences flash through my mind of all that they said
Of those I regard that hurt me
Emptying my soul, devouring my will
I’m alone and always will be
I’ve known no one who hasn’t hurt me and often with intent
I walk through crowded streets of faceless people
Their whispers haunting me
Trapped in a void with myself who’s not me
My knowledge and power are all that I own
My compassion is destroyed, my hate free to explode
Now I will always destroy those who try to hurt me

____________ ____________ ____________ __
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it’s funny but what the **** do you think it’s doing to me?
You take your turns lashing out at me, I want you crying with your bloody a** in front of me.

Edited by: nghtmrchld26 at: 10/19/07 2:56 am

Comment Thread Number Six:

First & Only Entry:

nghtmrchld26
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Posts: 93
(11/12/07 7:25 pm)
Reply

Eight Marks of a Mind Control Cult

Please note that cult groups can be found in both christian and non-christia n realms of religion and spirituality  (including “esoteric” type groups)….be safe out there people………

Eight Marks of a Mind-Control Cult by Randall Watters

Brainwashing has become almost a household word in the last two decades or so. In 1961, Robert J. Lifton wrote the definitive book on the subject, Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, after studying the effects of mind control on American prisoners of war under the Communist Chinese. Lifton outlines eight major factors that can be used to identify whether a group is a destructive cult or not. Any authoritaria n religion should be held up to the light in order to determine just how destructive their influence is on their members. Judge for yourselves.

Milieu Control

“Milieu” is a French word meaning “surrounding s; environment. ” Cults are able to control the environment around their recruits in a number of ways, but almost always using a form of isolation. Recruits can be physically separated from society, or they can be warned under threat of punishment to stay away from the world’s educational media, especially when it might provoke critical thinking. Any books, movies or testimonies of ex-members of the group, or even anyone critical of the group in any way are to be avoided.

Information is carefully kept on each recruit by the mother organization . All are watched, lest they fall behind or get too far ahead of the thinking of the organization . Because it appears that the organization knows so much about everything and everyone, they appear omniscient in the eyes of the recruits.

Mystical Manipulation

In religious cults, God is ever-present in the workings of the organization . If a person leaves for any reason, accidents or ill-will that may befall them are always attributed to God’s punishment on them. For the faithful, the angels are always said to be working, and stories circulate about how God is truly doing marvelous things among them, because they are “the truth.” The organization is therefore given a certain “mystique” that is quite alluring to the new recruit.

Demand for Purity

The world is depicted as black and white, with little room for making personal decisions based on a trained conscience. One’s conduct is modeled after the ideology of the group, as taught in its literature. People and organization s are pictured as either good or evil, depending on their relationship to the cult.

Universal tendencies of guilt and shame are used to control individuals, even after they leave. There is great difficulty in understandin g the complexities of human morality, since everything is polarized and oversimplifi ed. All things classified as evil are to be avoided, and purity is attainable through immersion into the cult’s ideology.

The Cult of Confession

Serious sins (as defined by the organization  ) are to be confessed immediately. The members are to be reported if found walking contrary to the rules.

There is often a tendency to derive pleasure from self-degrada tion through confession. This occurs when all must confess their sins before each other regularly, creating an intense kind of “oneness” within the group. It also allows leaders from within to exercise authority over the weaker ones, using their “sins” as a whip to lead them on.

The “Sacred Science”

The cult’s ideology becomes the ultimate moral vision for the ordering of human existence. The ideology is too “sacred” to call into question, and a reverence is demanded for the leadership. The cult’s ideology makes an exaggerated claim for possessing airtight logic, making it appear as absolute truth with no contradictio ns. Such an attractive system offers security.

Loading the Language

Lifton explains the prolific use of “thought-ter minating cliches,” expressions or words that are designed to end the conversation or controversy. We are all familiar with the use of the cliches “capitalist” and “imperialist  ,” as used by antiwar demonstrator s in the 60’s. Such cliches are easily memorized and readily expressed. They are called the “language of non-thought, ” since the discussion is terminated, not allowing further consideratio n.

In the Watchtower, for instance, expressions such as “the truth”, the “mother organization ”, the “new system”, “apostates” and “worldly” carry with them a judgment on outsiders, leaving them unworthy of further consideratio n.

Doctrine Over Person

Human experience is subordinated to doctrine, no matter how profound or contradictor y such experiences seem. The history of the cult is altered to fit their doctrinal logic. The person is only valuable insomuch as they conform to the role models of the cult. Commonsense perceptions are disregarded if they are hostile to the cult’s ideology.

Dispensing of Existence

The cult decides who has the “right” to exist and who does not. They decide who will perish in the final battle of good over evil. The leaders decide which history books are accurate and which are biased. Families can be cut off and outsiders can be deceived, for they are not fit to exist!

____________ ____________ ____________ _____
Drowning in despair…..

END COMMENT THREADS

Editors note:

Take notice of the last line of this last entry and it’s positioning. In the preceding comment thread number five, “drowning in despair” opens each of Matthew’s comments as the subject. In this last entry, “drowning in despair” closes his comment…a minor detail which I contend has great significance and may not have actually been done consciously by Matthew. I see it as a progression to an ending…and given Matthew’s final diatribe invoking the words of Columbine which I’ve not included as they were already published in Denver newspapers and online…the placement of these words seems to foretell his submittal to the inevitabilit y of what is to come.

If you look at each entry he makes, he, for the most part, includes a small statement below the dotted line. Most of them add to what was stated below the line in the prior entry as if to signify an almost accounting like summation…an alternate train of thought (his more hidden thoughts) which I suggest is the essential dialogue taking place at his core which he doesn’t divulge until his final “manifesto”.

UPDATE I:

Matthew’s posting detailing his experience at Youth With A Mission (YWAM):

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 25
(5/8/07 5:34 pm)
Reply

Re: My YWAM Horror Story

I did my DTS at YWAM Denver and Dale Lambert was my DTS school leader. I witnessed all kinds of insanity. Men would be making out with other men in the hallways, listening to all kinds of “metal music”(non-c hristian), smoke pot with each other while off base, there were rumors of sexual activity, both hetero and homosexual.

Not that any of those things are bad…but…….
Why was I told that I couldn’t be a missionary because I wasn’t “social enough”? I was told that I was “an introvert.”
Everyone else got to go on their outreaches except for a few who lied about smoking (cigarettes) .

The authoritaria nism and hypocrisy is outrageous. The YWAM leaders would always believe that they had some special “connection to God” to be able to dictate and rule over student’s lives. I’m not talking about simple rules like “no drugs allowed” but rather “we prayed and we feel like the spirit says that you’re not loyal enough” or “we prayed and we feel like God says you’re not to go on any outreaches.” For just asking the question “why are we having a special group meeting tonight?” I was told “we prayed and we feel that you have a spirit of rebellion and if you ask or question anything any further we may have to send you home…” I was told that I could not watch an “R” movie at a movie theater even though several of the other students did…and yes, the leaders knew full well about it.

The lack of knowledge and thinking is another story. Almost none of those people ever questioned the things they were taught. They always assume it’s true and in matters of contradictor y teachers and teachings, they’d just believe and follow whatever everyone’s emotions were feeling. I remember “holy spirit week” where they tried to get everyone “baptised in the holy spirit.” I went along with it just to stop people harassing me and asking me “are you still speaking in tongues? you better not stop doing that or you might lose the holy spirit…..” I now know that the Divine Spirit is within all of us no matter what our religion is. Very few actually had answers in regards to salvation or “hearing the voice of God.” A lot of the “prophesy” in those groups was/is nothing more than lower psychism. Sure, they can be accurate once in a while, but even then it’s on a lower level. Just because someone is psychically/ spiritually sensitive doesn’t mean they know how to exercise it or have a trained mind. It also does not mean that they understand spiritual principles. It only means that they are sensitive to the lower astral levels.

1 person did get sent home for making an amateur sex video of homosexual nature….6 or 7 people were involved but only that one person got sent home. I know 3 or 4 others were sent home simply for smoking a legal nicotine cigarette. A few people got “talks”(slap s on the wrist) about their openly homosexual behaviour in front of everyone. They all went on outreach. For the record, when I was told by the YWAM staff 1 week before I was to leave on outreach that they did not want me on outreach, I asked them if I had done anything wrong. I ask them to clarify their reasons and they did make it clear to me that I had not commited any “sin” or done anything wrong…except for the one time I questioned, but that that was not the reason they were sending me home. They made it clear that they were sending me home because they “prayed to God” and felt that I was “not social enough” and was “an introvert.” After having left I of course found out how true all those words about “we all love and care about you very much” and “we do care about you.” really were…….
I never heard back from them and when I got home….well…. .back to the usual christian insanity at home and my parent’s church.

The fact is, in YWAM, and christianity  , it’s all about the Beautiful People. No, it’s not just “one group of bad christians” but rather….almo st every group of christians except for a few open minded non-evangeli cal churches. If you’re an extrovert, and popular, then yes, there is plenty of love waiting for you in christianity . If you ask questions and want to understand things and/or desire a real and deep spirituality  , or if you’re just not popular…well …….you are considered as one of the horrible people and are either going to be abused or kicked out by “holy spirit love filled” christians. it’s all about……
the Beautiful People……..

If any YWAMer believes that I’m on the wrong path and that they have “The Spiritual Truth” and answers then feel free to send me a message, I’d love to discuss these things with you and discover “truth”(If I indeed have not found it yet).

____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ____
Mister Crowley……
Edited by: nghtmrchld26 at: 5/8/07 5:46 pm

UPDATE II:

Matthew appears to have posted at another site under a different name…Chrstng htmr. The first posting below links to a video made by Ricky Rodriguez…a young man who subsequently committed a murder-suici de.

This first entry appears to expose his intentions more than many of the previous entries…whic h makes sense since this entry is dated December 9, 2007. This batch of entries are ordered from newest to oldest.

First Entry:

Thread: Ricky Rodriguez’ experience of growing up in the Nightmare of Christianity …… (Healing)  (Posted on: 09 Dec : 03:00)

This kid went through abuse in christianity just like me and my friends…..he was even intended to be their next “prophet”…ju st my church said to me…….that I was going to be a “prophet to the nations” for their christianity

We’ll have to see how accurate their prophecy really is

Watch the video he made:

Editor’s Warning: The video is lengthy and disturbing.

http://www.x family.org/i ndex.php/Ric ky_Rodriguez _video

Sure, many christians will say “oh, that’s just a cult” as if the pentecostali s/Bill Gothard/Char ismatic crap I was raised in wasn’t?

Ricky’s words:

“I used to think a lot about suicide. It’s, it actually, believe it or not, it should have started a long time ago. It should have started when I was fuckin’ born actually, but, to tell you the truth, it didn’t really start in earnest until the infamous Teen Training happened.”

I had it good in many ways. I didn’t get fucked in the !@#$%, you know, I was a guy. A lot of you girls, phew, crap, I can’t even compare my stories with yours. But that’s not what this is about. We’re not sitting here comparing— oh you got it worse than I did—you got it more times than I did- because its not about that. There’s so many other kinds of abuse that went on, that to some of us were just as bad, some of us, to some of us it wasn’t, and some of us didn’t have it that bad. So I’m not gonna sit here and say “oh yeah, I had it the worst or I didn’t” because it really doesn’t matter. It should never have happened at all. To anybody. That’s the point. So that’s when I started contemplatin g suicide. And I’ve been fuckin’ thinkin’ about it ever since. Because man, goddamn it, after Teen Training—! @#$%, it’s like all hell broke loose—we’r e just never the same.

So now this is interesting because, um, I don’t think most fam- other Family kids- can relate to this, because yeah, they were abused. But one thing I don’t think they were that much is secluded. And that really can !@#$% you over, because if you don’t have that, um, mirror, if you will, of other kids your own age, um, even kids older than you, you know, older siblings, whatever, friends, then uh, it really fucks ya up.

And I was reading, ah, reading an article about how there were, how some people say, it was one of those conspiracy things. Ah, ah, I can believe it- that it’s possible. And who knows? Anyway, they were saying how they were doing experiments on prisoners in the States- in the States- for the last, you know, for the last 40 years or something. Um, about that, trying to see how they can break ‘em, and then translate those findings into the general populace. Ah, modified of course. I don’t know if it’s true or not. It was interesting reading anyway. But that’s what happened to me- not having that mirror of other people to hold up- and, you know, see how I would relate to them, you know those formative years, if you’re only around fuckin’ perverts, these people are fucked in the head and try to !@#$% you over. Wow, I didn’t even have fuckin’ TV for god’s sake.

“Anyway, ah, so I always figured that, and I always still think about suicide, and I try to push it away. I’m successful for awhile, but it’d always come back. Started coming back more frequently, those thoughts, and uh, and I just, I just wanted it to end. That was my hope. And that was also my fear- that when I died I would just want to flatline and nothing else, cuz, I would not wanna have to go through in another dimension what I’m going through here, and what I had been through.

Now I’m not so sure about that. I don’t really know what to think, but I think there’s enough evidence, if you will, ah, to at least, uh, to at least make one stop and consider that we may not believe in God, but I don’t, at least certainly not the Christian fucked-up God who’s a big fuckin’ dick that he wants to stick up everybody’s  !@#$%. But, but I don’t know. I’m starting to think that life goes on- and that fucking scares me. That really does scare me more than anything because, cuz, I don’t know, I don’t want it to go on. I want it to just be over.

Second Entry:

Re: We are the Nobodies (General)  (Posted on: 07 Dec : 11:36)

Sounds like one of the Nobodies became a Somebody…sur e he’s still hated by everyone, that is obvious, but at least now he’s a somebody…..a nd he’s left a world that didn’t give a sh** about him to begin with

____________ ____________ ____________ _________
I went to God just to see and I was looking at me

Third Entry:

Thread: Insane times growing up in homeschool (Home Life) (Posted on: 01 Dec : 15:13)

Me and this caller, “Devin on DMLive” were raised in homeschool and we both went through some insane stuff growing up in The Nightmare that outsiders just do not understand.

“Devin’s” call begins at about 5:34 in the mp3 file from 2007-11-18 9 PM Central on http://dmliv e.com/listen index.html. It’s the second call in the 9 PM hour from 11-18-2007. Dawson Mcallister told Devin… “This is horrifying…. ”

Me, I remember the beatings and the fighting and yelling and insane rules and all the Bill Gothard bull**** and then trancing out…sh**……I’ m still tranced out. I remember how it was like every day was Mission Impossible trying to keep the rules or not get caught and just….surviv e every single f***ing day. My mother’s a f***ing psycho too, her and her whole church and christian family.

Of course people will say the usual fake answers “just stop being this way and be happy from now on…” “we don’t have the time and the energy to give a s*** about you…” “you’re not the only one who has it bad” “I had it a lot worse than you and I’m happy and doing great” “you’re not popular you know…no one likes you very much”

I’ll take Dawson’s advice to Devin:

“it’s almost like you’ve come back from a war and are having flashbacks” “ONE MORE, just ONE MORE bit of psychologica l abuse from your mother and you WALK, you are OUT THAT DOOR saying ‘I won’t live like this anymore EVER’.”

I’m not getting any younger and it’s time for the abuse to stop. Just because I’m not one of the “Beautiful People,” just because other people don’t understand or because I’m not “popular” does not mean I need to take any more s*** from anyone. Just one more bit of abuse….and I’m gone….

Listen to what Devin describes in his call…maybe it might help people who don’t understand to…….feel what I feel

Cherish your life

____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ __
I went to God just to see and I was looking at me
Saw Heaven and Hell were lies…when I’m God everyone dies…..

Fourth Entry:

Thread: End Times/Left Behind Insanity (Truth or Error) (Posted on: 26 Nov : 16:56)

I remember as a child laying awake at night, terrified that I was going to “get left behind” for some childish bad thing I’d done or thought or some mistake I’d done. That was around age 8-12 and I would continue to have similar fear through my teenage years. I remember being terrified around year 2000 and always worried about this…”antich rist” who was going to somehow do all these terrible things to people who weren’t “born again” AND had not lost their salvation/co mmitted some sin. I’d lay awake at night and be terrified during the day asking over and over “what if I commit a sin, and don’t have time to confess and ask God forgiveness and repent and get…left behind?!” “what if I’m in some sin that I don’t even recognize and I get……left behind?” “what if I’m watching something on TV that’s somehow a “sin” and Jesus returns and I get……left behind?” “what if I commit the unpardonable sin and get….left behind?”

Some days I’d even lay awake worrying that I had dropped a few cents while placing my 10% tithes into the offering plate or that I had miscalculate d my tithes and….somethi ng bad would happen……..

Then there was all the Eph 6:1-3 teachings which caused me to worry since no one could answer the question “what if a child rebels against a parent or pastor who is being abusive?”(no  , not just a little strict or “setting some standards”…… …) and “why don’t all these rules of non-violence and other rules apply to church leaders and parents?”

Another issue was the issue of music. Many of the christians and some of the church leaders and my parents said that ANY music “with a beat”(includ ing Christian Contemporary and Christian Rock) was “of Satan and had backmasking” yet OTHER CHRISTIANS said that was nonsense and….BOTH SIDES used the BIBLE to back their side up…so……..how the f*** am I supposed to even know what to do when no one could even figure out what is actually a sin in the “eyes of God” according to that infallible book….the bible.

End times? I so badly wanted to understand what it all meant…so I looked into it as a teenager and found out that there are at least 7 different views of “the end times” and….they all had….the infallible bible to support their contradictor y beliefs of the “end times.”

Just like Marilyn Manson, I’d often have nightmares about all this armaggedon mark of the beast antichrist “left behind” bulls***.

They considered me their “chosen prophet.”(wh o was to become some internationa l leader for their stupid dominionist charismatic Peter Wagner Bill Gothard pentecostal cult.)

All that insanity along with some other pentecostal/ Bill Gothard doctrines at one point made me to want to die since……”ther e’s no point in living anyways since I’m going to be left behind or end up in hell no matter what I do”….there might have also been some….uh…sel f-mutilation in all that too.

“I bash myself to sleep, what you (and your pentecostal friends) sow I will reap…..
I scar myself you see…I wish I wasn’t me
I hate therefore I am….god @#%$ your righteous hand
I throw a little fit, I slit my teenage wrist
record me with your fist
the most I can learn….is the records that you burn
you want me to save the world…I’m just a little boy
….get your gun”

____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ______
I went to God just to see and I was looking at me

Fifth Entry:

Re: Drowning in Despair….. (Healing)  (Posted on: 12 Nov : 18:32)

Yes I know what you’re saying….
yeah…you could say that the “paranormal” is frightened of me…he he
Yes I have had a near death experiences and YES, I know about the “past life review” part…it was the most terrifying thing I ever experienced… .yeah I’ve been through some insane !@#$% throughout life….and yes I know about the state of consciousnes s being able to “see clearly”

In the NDE state(whatev er it was) I saw all the negatives things I had done and all the times where I could have done right but didn’t…and I felt the terror of not being able to return….but it was NOT “Hellfire” or anything like that…it was more…..the re-incarnati on cycle, or at least the very beginning stage.

We’ll have to talk more about our experiences

Sixth Entry:

Thread: Drowning in Despair….. (Healing)  (Posted on: 11 Nov : 21:51)

you raped the soul from the child in me………

Crying all alone
The tears flowing down my face in a beautiful stream
The lovely misery and lonely darkness surrounding me
As I see everyone going on with their meaningless vain fake lives
All the posers and wannabes
All the abusers

Crying all alone
Cutting myself
High off the pain and darkness
Seeing so many fakers hating me
So many of my friends who have abandoned me
So many spiritual pretenders who failed to help me.
I’m your nightmares come true
You think you can punish me but you fail to see
That I’ve lived through a thousand nightmares
And all your worst Christian fears are coming true

Walking down these hallways
Of mirrors and sadness seeing myself
Crying all alone as everyone takes their turn
Raping all that I am
Cutting myself killing this pain
Someone help me please
I can’t get out and I am slowly dying

Come and sing with me
This beautiful song of sadness and misery
Cutting ourselves
Crying awash in crimson

Come and sing this song…
As we die and leave this miserable life behind
Can you not see the elegant beauty?
Rays of light like gold silk flowing throughout this place
Beautiful tears of crimson streaming down our bodies
Our work is done here, we’re going home
Let us fly away into the dying sunset
Can you not hear this beautiful song?

As all the pain fades away
Taking your last breath
As the blood and pain drains
Leaving everyone left
To die in their misery and hypocrisy
As the blood and pain drain away
We’re going home to a beautiful place far away from here

____________ ____________ ____________ ____________
It’s all in your head……it’s all in my head…..
I tried…you lied to me for so long…..
Everywhere I go there’s a sense of it…….
freak on my antics and give me a choice
Doesn’t matter if I give a @#%$….. it’s @#%$ that you gave me

Seventh Entry:

Re: We are the Nobodies (General)  (Posted on: 03 Nov : 17:03)

A Gun to the Temple of a World Enslaved by Christianity

You raped the soul from the child in me…….
Bow down to the land of the free
Bow down to your world that made me me
Bury the nails into the one like me
Consecrating the lies and exalting false prophecy
Tearing apart souls of man and all his goals
Offer benedictions and wills to plague your…
Souls….is made, in a so-called God
The taste of sulfur and rain
Your churchianity christ now turns on man
And brings him pain
Bow down to a lying clergy of sodomy
Bow down to the world that rejected me….
A gun to the temple of a world enslaved
by the lies that bind us to a faded hope
And a promise of salvation that is only a lie
Ensures the perversion that you try to hide
will become as dust that will fade in time
To take this world of hate
Of torture, our fate
Will rest in hands
That sow the seeds of rape

Eighth Entry:

Thread: We are the Nobodies (General)  (Posted on: 31 Oct : 17:17)

So many people don’t have any clue about The Nightmare we’ve grown up in. I mean, it’s not my fault I was raised in homeschool for 12 f***ing years and that I’m not able to “socialize normally.” How am I supposed to socialize and make new friends when I’m always left out of everything, and always made to be the outcast? I’m nice, I’m considerate, a lot of people tell me I’m intelligent and kind….so why the f*** must everyone think they have some right to abuse and reject me?

I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things. Never inviting me to all your fun parties, never inviting me to hang out. And no, don’t say, ‘Well, that’s your fault’ because it isn’t. You people had my phone number, and I asked and all, but no no no no no don’t let the weird kid come along, oooh f***ing nooo

Right now I’m trying to get laid and to finish up some sh**. Why the F**k can’t I get any? I mean, I’m nice and considerate and all that s***, but nooooo…. it’s not my fault I was sheltered my whole life and wasn’t given a f***inkg clue about sex and dating.

No one really gives a f*** about me….everyone thinks they have it soooooo bad…. going to their little church, going to work, hanging out with their long list of friends that care, taking the life they have for granted……
I hate this f***ing world…You may be saying, ‘Well, what makes you so different?’ Because I have something only me and DyC, have, SELF AWARENESS…We know what we are to this world and what everyone else is…We know what you think and how you act…This isn’t a world any more, it’s H.O.E.(Hell on Earth)

We are the Nobodies…..

Today I am dirty
I want to be pretty
Tomorrow, I know I’m just dirt

Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I’m forever dirt

Some children died the other day
We fed machines and then we prayed
Puked up and down in morbid faith
You should have seen the ratings that day
We are the Nobodies
We want to be somebodies
When we’re dead,
They’ll know just who we are

____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ __
I throw a little fit, I slit my teenage wrists
The most I can learn is the records that you burn

Ninth Entry:

Thread: Christian Nightmare (Healing)  (Posted on: 30 Sep : 15:26)

tears and crying…the guilt and the shame….
crying as memories of christianity flood in………. .

Mother please forgive me
All these bad things that I say and do
I just have to get out all my pain and suffering
Now that I am done, remember I will always “love”(a nd hate) you
I’m your son…………

“Little child, looking so pretty
Come out and play, I’ll be your daddy
Come child, I’ll bless you with God’s anointing
Come child, the holy spirit’s waiting….
Innocent child, looking so sweet
A rape in my eyes and on your flesh I’ll eat”

“It’s alright I didn’t touch you there
Mama said she didn’t care
God says it’s OK
Jesus says to obey
You’re lying, I didn’t touch you there
That’s why mama stopped and stared”… ….

You raped!
I feel dirty
It hurt!
As a child
Tied down!
“That’s a good boy”
And f***ed!
Your own child
I scream!
No one hears me…
It hurt!
I’m not a liar
You’ve lied!
Now I wanna die…
You abused!
I won’t be silent
You’re a bastard
I’m not guilty…
Good God!
Trancing out and crying
My God!
Saw you watching….
Mommy why?!
Your own child…..

____________ ____________
All alone in this dark place
With tears streaming down my face…..
So what can it be? No one hears my call….
Echoes back at me, no one’s there…..
You can break my back but you won’t break me
stretched as far as I can be
you stole my purity, the evidence is plain
Time’s gonna wash away all pain….

Tenth Entry:

Re: Meeting with the Church (Healing)  (Posted on: 30 Aug : 18:13)

That’s great UnlockDestin y, I know how you feel. I’m going to be leaving soon also. I recently got laid off so moving into my own place is going to have to be put off but there are other options. I can’t wait to leave this nightmare behind.

Just say with me “We will no longer be oppressed by the fascism of Christianity  ! And we will no longer be oppressed by the police state mentality!”

____________ ____________ ____________ __________
Mister Crowley…….co nceived in the eye of a secret

UPDATE III:

The site first identified to have Matthew’s final postings…inc lusive of the entry linked to the language of Columbine…ha s elected to repost all of the comments which they had previously removed. They can be found at the following link:

nghtmrchld26 ’s posts on 12/09/07

UPDATE IV:

Editor’s Note: The MySpace page linked below appears to have been taken down. At the moment, I do not know why the page has been disabled. Fortunately, I have screen shots of all of the content.

It appears that Matthew also had a MySpace page…althoug h it was identified to be the page of “Sarah’s Chrstnnghtmr ”. Looking at the page and reading through the writings, it coincides with many of the postings Matthew posted on other sites and the song playing on the page is “Mr. Crowley”…whi ch ties back to many of his other postings as does the list of favorite music which includes Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Slayer, Setherial, Deicide, Emperor, Naglfar, Marduk, Cradle of Filth, Cannibal Corpse, King Diamond, Mercyful Fate, Danzig, Mystic Circle, Shape of Despair, Dark Funeral.

She/He also lists favorite books which tie back to some of his entries at the other sites. Included in her/his list of books are 777, LIBER 220, LIBER XV, Liber ABA, LIBER 418, Liber 414, The Secret Doctrine, Isis Unveiled, Voice of the Silence, Long Hard Road Out of Hell - Marilyn Manson.

I found one particularly interesting entry on the MySpace page. It is an entry titled “Welcome To Our Christian Nightmare”, and it appears to have been posted on June 5, 2006. What makes it so interesting is that it is the same story Matthew refers to in a posting at Ex-Pentecost al Forums. In that September 30, 2007 posting, he identifies the story as “A friends experience of growing up in The Nightmare” and explains it as follows:

“One of my friends wrote this. She was raised in a non-denomina tional/pente costal+Chari smatic household and church and is currently a young adult living on her own.”

What is unclear is whether this is Matthew’s story or actually a story about someone he may have known or someone…like Sarah…who he created to tell his story as a female…or to simply tell a fictional story (Matthew wanting to post his creative work). I took note of the fact that she/he refers to “Our” Christian Nightmare in the title of the entry. I suspect this wasn’t an accident.

I also noticed that in Sarah’s bio section, it states “Not Sure” in the section designated for sexual orientation. Sarah also notes she is a member of a group identified as “All Real Lesbians And Bisexuals & Beatiful (sp) Girls”…but the link doesn’t seem to be working.

One of my first takes on this MySpace page ties back to another remark Matthew makes in an entry on one of the other sites. In that entry he muses, “What does it take to get laid?” (may not be an exact quotation). Perhaps Matthew thought he might be able to meet girls by posing as a “questioning ” female? At the very least it seems like an avenue for an introverted 20 something male to try and expand his circle of acquaintance s.

Part of me also suspects his plan included an anticipation that people would attempt to connect the dots he carefully laid out as part of what I would characterize as an elaborate alter-identi ty, alter-world which people would discover after his death. I’ll need to ponder this further before making any definitive statement.

UPDATE V:

It seems that Matthew also posted comments at alt.suicide. holiday under the name “DyingChild_ 65″. Many of the entries are the same ones he posted on other sites so I’ve only included two which I found to be significant. What struck me about the Dec 9 entry below is his reference to the documentary Jesus Camp.

For those who haven’t seen it, the documentary focuses upon children who are sent to camp to become better soldiers of God. Ted Haggard is prominently featured in the piece which may assist in explaining how Matthew decided to target New Life Church. The fact that Matthew refers to Haggard as a favorite minister of his mother seems to support this argument.

I can’t confirm if Matthew attended any such programs at New Life Church or any other location…tho ugh it wouldn’t surprise me if he received this type of training at some point. Haggard’s subsequent fall may have added to Matthew’s growing disenchantme nt…a fact evidenced by the Nov 27 posting in which he lists a number of religious figures and then proceeds to assail them and their actions.

The Marilyn Manson video in the Nov 27 entry seems to support his growing sense of alienation…a s well as his simmering anger at those who “fit in”.

Nov 27, 2:30 am DyingChild_6 5 wrote:

Joyce Meyer, Peter Wagner, Ted Haggard, Jimmy Bakker, Jerry Falwell,
godhatesfags .org, Richard/Oral Roberts, James Dobson, John Bevere,
Tommy Tenny, Cindy Jacobs, Earl Paulk, Ken Ham, Heidi Baker/Iris
Ministries, John MacArthur, David Wilkerson, Paula White, Dave
Hunt/Berean Call, Kenneth Hagin, David Yonggi Cho, Charles Stanley, D
James Kennedy, Jan and Paul Crouch, Dutch Sheets, Benny Hinn, Paul
Cain, Tim Lahaye and all the Left Behind end times “Jesus is returning
soon!” bullshit, Chuck Pierce, Stan Johnson/Prop hecy Club, Gary Ezzo,
Bill Gothard….and all the other televangelis ts and pastors, and
christian followers……

We see all these christians trying to force their beliefs,
pseudo-moral ity and bulls*** on everyone(usu ally for money and power),
telling everyone they need to “repent, send us money, and obey our
interpretati ons of the bible” so they can be let into heaven, have
their imaginary sins “forgiven” and not be sent to hell by their
“loving” pseudo-God.

Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People

Tell me, just like Marilyn Manson asks…..do you really want to go to
a place that’s filled with a bunch of…. assholes?

Sorry but there’s no such thing as heaven and hell nor “original sin.”
Christians can’t even figure out their own doctrines….t hey’re still
arguing over whether or not you can lose your “salvation” or not.
Christians can’t even agree on whether or not Christian Contemporary
Music is a sin or whether or not to “speak in tongues”
plus……there’ s a gazillion different versions of how Jesus is going
to return and whether there’s even a rapture or not………

The worst slave of all is the prick who indulges openly in no
pleasures at all in order that he may be considered “virtuous” or
“respectable ” and these Christians who “have religion” / “a relationship
with God” and want to see every one else in the same deplorable state
of senile decay so that they may not feel quite so much out of place
in the world…….

These are fools that men adore; both their Gods & their men are fools.
Come forth, o children, under the stars, & take your fill of love!
I am the Snake that giveth Knowledge and Delight and bright glory, and
stir the hearts of men with drunkenness. To worship me take wine and
strange drugs whereof I will tell my prophet, & be drunk thereof! They
shall not harm ye at all. It is a lie, this folly against self. The
exposure of innocence is a lie. Be strong, o man! lust, enjoy all
things of sense and rapture: fear not that any God shall deny thee for
this.

Despise also all cowards; professional soldiers who dare not fight,
but play; all fools despise!
But the keen and the proud, the royal and the lofty; ye are brothers!

The key of joy is disobedience

“We will no longer be oppressed by the fascism of christianity ”

Dec 9, 9:34 am DyingChild_6 5 wrote:

thank you to all you christians who’ve made me this way….you’ve
added to the rage……..I’m just so full of hate now and I love
it…………forcin g all your religious bullshit down my throat all
these fuckin years with your dominionist christian agenda….like in
Jesus Camp…..well… the abuse ends NOW………give me one good
reason why I should show ANY mercy and compassion for ANY of you
idiots……..yo u christians never showed me any mercy nor
compassion…… …
me, I still believe in a loving God….but not the christian god who
is full of hate….and never did anything at all all these years while
I’ve cried out for answers for spiritual truth…….your christian
God never did one thing about any of the abuse me and my christian
friends went through……….w hy the f*** should I care about any
morals?

Mankind in his insatiable search for divine
Knowledge has discarded all biblical teachings
Realizing that the strength of religion is the repression of
knowledge
All structures of religion have collapsed
Life prays for death
in the wake of the horror of these revelations
It was never imagined how graphic the reality that would
be known as the end of creation would manifest itself
We believe all this chaos and atrocity can be traced
Back to one single event…..

We hold these truths to be painfully self-evident
All men are not created equal
Only the strong will prosper
Only the strong will conquer
Only in the darkness of Christ have I realized
God Hates Us All!!!!!!

Drones since the dawn of time
Compelled to live your christian sheltered lives
Not once has anyone ever seen
Such a rise of pure hypocracy
I’ll instigate I’ll free your mind
I’ll show you what I’ve known all this time

God Hates Us All!!!!! God Hates Us All!!!!
You know it’s true God hates this place
You know it’s true he hates this race

Homicide…….S uicide
Hate heals, you should try it sometime
Strive for Peace with acts of war
The beauty of death we all adore
I have no faith distracting me
I know why your prayers will never be answered

God Hates Us All; God Hates Us All
He Fuckin’ hates me
Pessimist, Terrorist targeting the next mark
Global chaos feeding on hysteria
Cut throat, slit your wrist, shoot you in the back fair game
Drug abuse, self abuse searching for the next high
Sounds a lot like hell is spreading all the time
I’m waiting for the day the whole world @#%$ dies

I never said I wanted to be God’s disciple
I’ll never be the one to blindly follow!!!!!

Man made virus infecting the world….
Self-destruc t human time bomb
What if there is no God would you think the fuckin’ same
Wasting your life in a leap of blind faith
Wake the @#%$ up can’t ignore what I say
I got my own philosophy
I hate everyone equally
You can’t tear that out of me
No segregation -separation
Just me in my world of enemies
I never said I wanted to be God’s disciple
I’ll never be the one to blindly follow
I’ll never be the one to bear the cross-discip le

I reject this f***in’ race!!!!!
I despise this f***in’ place!!!!!!
____________ ____________ _____
Mister Crowley…….

Cross-posted at Thought Theater


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10 Responses to “Matthew Murray: nghtmrchld26…In His Own Words (Updated)”

  1. I got a debate question for you:

    Do you know why this was called a “murder” or a “shooting” or an “incident” at a church in Colorado?

    Because honestly… the dude was sick and all doing this… but what he did and the actions he took before and during the crime lead me to believe this was a hate crime.

    If he shot people in a Mosque or a Synagogue it would have been labeled a hate crime. The fact though that it is at a Christian Church it seems to be a “murder” or a “shooting” or an “incident” as reported by the media. Hate crime is never used… I wonder why it isn’t because so much hate is needed to do something like this.

    This is scary though… all these random killiings sort of freak me out. You wonder if more people are going to snap like this.

  2. Tragic. Tragic. Tragic. While i just gave the article a quick read it describes an authoritaria n religious environment which tortured and killed the soul of a very bright, but disturbed young man. Seems to me this is incident has the possibility of exposing the shady underbelly of a corrupt, and insidious religious institution which caged, abused and distorted the spirit and soul of its members, and they have “inherited the wind”.. But i am not a psychologist and want to read further the background of this case.
    Daniel, would mind sharing the primary sources you relied on for this article? I checked a couple of your tags, but did not get the detail you provided.

  3. “Council for National Policy. i have heard of this group. Daniel i have just read some of your cites and hope you keep this one up for a few days. One other thing, folks if you want to know what can happen when religion is mixed with politics, i suggest you follow this story. bet the details will not be discussed in the MSM but Daniel is on to a real story here. Daniel i trust you will follow this to the end.

  4. I had no idea about this story. I haven’t read, seen, or heard about this anywhere. This is a huge story - telling of the destructive tendencies of the Religious Right. Keep it out there!

    JMJ

  5. Hey Jersey this is just destructive behavior of religion not connected to the so called religious right although we can see how destructive behavior of the atheist left is by looking at the Soviet Union, North Korea,Venzue la and Cuba.

  6. lisa, would you please read the article before making such an uninformed comment. this is about the religious right. read all the writing of this very disturbed young man who was abused by the a Christian right organization and family. i would include many of his quotes, but since you probably wouldn’t read the article anyway i will not waste my time.

    daniel… i read your update on your site tonight and thank you for you very insightful observations and comments. please keep this story going. i note that kieth olberman mentioned it last evening. i visited the other sites you recommended and most are agreeing that the christian right is trying to get out front of this one through a program of blaming the MSM and godless secular humanist.

  7. That’s right Rube I would worry about all religions not just Christians:

    http://www.f oxnews.com/s tory/0,2933, 316550,00.ht ml

  8. Oh…. Wow… Lisa….

    Hey… Rube,

    Do you really think this an example of the Christian right?

  9. lisa… with all due respect i do not rely on foxnews.com for any information, on any subject at anytime. if they are your primary source of info that explains everything. you are correct on one thing i do not rely on any religion either. mathew murray is a very sad example of what can happen when one is taught to be afraid they will be “left behind”, because of anything they say or do. kind of like being taught to believe that if you kill yourself for your prophet you will get 72 virgins.

  10. steve…”I remember growing up in pentecostali sm/evangelic alism, we were always told to support the republicans/ conservative s and to “hate those evil satanic democrats. Jesus never said to put our trust in any political leader, yet we see so many christians trying sooooo hard to believe that “America was founded on fundamentali st evangelical christianity and we must turn america back towards God!!!(the evangelica/f undamentalis t/pentecosta l version nontheless.

    these are the words of Mathew Murray. Read the article!

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