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The War on Christmas: A Progress Report

Yes, the War on Christmas is heating up. We’re gaining more underground soldiers and extending our tentacles further and deeper into every facet of American society. By the time the talking heads even know what’s about to happen, we’ll already be — well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The other day Mike HuckaHuckaBu rnin’Jesus gave his standard speech in Iowa — with a little tailoring for the holidays: “I know this is probably a very controversia l thing, but may I say to you, Merry Christmas… What’s wrong with our country, what is wrong with our culture, is that you can’t say the name Jesus Christ without people going completely berserk.”

AARRRGGGHHHH  !!!!!! There’s that word again. $&#$%&!#$#%# &%$#&!!!! And every time I hear somebody gushing on and on about that whiny colicky squealing Baby Jesus, I just SNAP! I want to knock over every crèche I see, and then jump up and down on it until it’s in little pieces and then keep stomping on the pieces until they’re smithereens! I want to knock the Christmas packages out of those goony shoppers’ arms and kick them across the store and SMASH them. GGGRRRRRRRRR RR!!!!!!!!!!  !

(By the way, I don’t know if this qualifies as a name freak or not, but Huckabee’s “Family-Va lues Jesus-Hates- Homasexials speech was delivered in the town of Dike, Iowa.)

As we all know, our most significant victory of the year was scored by al Qaeda in Brazil a few days ago. Yeahhh!!! You Go Satan! The score so far: Secular Humanists 1, Santa 0.

And this is only the first of many victories we’ll be winning in the coming years. Christmas is like a house infested with termites (that’s us). By the time the damage is visible, it’ll be too late. The house will CRUMBLE. COLLAPSE! Christmas will be deader’n a doornail! BWAAAAHAAHAA HAAHAAHAA!!!  !!!!!!

Bellow Riley thinks he’s just scoring points with Christians when he rages on and on about the “War on Christmas. He has no idea who he’s fuckin’ with, or of the fact that he hasn’t even started to scratch the surface yet. If he only had the tiniest clue of the extent of this underground network, the coming jihad…

I now have a copy of The Book. I’m IN!!! This book has all the information an anti-Christm as terrorist needs. It has every guerilla/sab otage/jihad tactic ever devised, and a detailed list of underground contacts. I got it for Christmas.

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5 Responses to “The War on Christmas: A Progress Report”

  1. a good example of holiday cheer

    NEW YORK - A group of people exchanging holiday greetings on a subway last week hurled anti-Semitic slurs and beat four Jewish riders who had wished them “Happy Hanukkah.” The prosecutor’s office was investigatin g the incident as a possible hate crime.

    The four Jewish riders were on a train in lower Manhattan Friday night, during the eight-day Jewish Festival of Lights, when they were approached by a group of 10 people who offered holiday greetings.

  2. POSSIBLE hate crime? Doesn’t “hurling anti-Semitic slurs” kind of cinch that? Or was it a non-hateful beating?

    Ironically enough, as a documentary I saw earlier tonight related, there is a record of one real “war on Christmas” in western history - it was conducted by the Puritans under Cromwell, who considered it sacrilegious . On a smaller scale, when my mom taught first grade the only kids in her classroom whose families wouldn’t let them participate in any Christmas activities were the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

    So the only western wars on Christmas so far have been the work of Christian zealots.

  3. Holy crap Tom…. ROFLMFAO! Great rant you evil doer. Or should that be evil undoer?

  4. I hope everyone has a very happy day today, that you have a thoroughly pleasant time visiting and, perhaps, dining with family and friends. You may, perhaps, find it enjoyable to share gifts that you’ve wrapped in brightly colored paper with one another. Hug and laugh and have a good time. It seems an appropriate day for it for some obscure reason but who really needs a religiously based reason to gather with friends and family? Do it…just because you might have a really great time.

    It would really be easier to wish you all a merry Christmas but that might be a hate crime.

    No terrorist I!

  5. amy you and all others have a wonderful day with friends and family. The shame is that we often need dome excuse be it a holiday or a birthday or some onter event to stop andbe with our extended love ones.

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