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Pat’s Prayers Have Been Answered

Duuuude!Pat Robertson’s prayers have been answered - again. He apparently wandered off to consult a burning bush (pun intended) for advice on who will win the election and God slipped him a fixed betting slip on the outcome.

Of course, it isn’t unusual that Pat has been on the WWJD Hotline (1-555-GET-G OD). He and God have offered predictions and justificatio ns for all sorts of things over the years. Remember Hurricane Gloria? It was all about the gays. September 11? Ditto. It’s truly amazing that cash-poor, God-besotted rubes keep shipping him buckets of money to fund his suspicious African diamond mines.

The Human Race: Feh
I have a pretty low opinion of the human race. We’ve proven time and time again that we can’t be trusted to do anything right. Give us a nice place to live and we insist on polluting the whole planet in return for a Hummer than can handle the heavy snows of Key West. When an opening for Leader of the Free WorldTM came up…well, you know how well we handled that…TWICE! But the one thing we never do is pay retail.

In purely economic terms, smart God shoppers should avoid shopping at PatMart. They pay Pat wholesale prices to pray for them even though the nation’s leading deity experts confirm you can do that absolutely free. Besides, Pat sells a defective product. Aside from desperate, terminal cancer patients saying Pat’s Perfect PrayersTM cured them, most prayer purchasers seldom gets results worth their $100 “donation” to the 700 Club. Personally, I’d support a Consumer Product Safety Commission ruling requiring Pat to put “Paid Endorsement” in unreadable tiny letters at the bottom of the TV screen. However, that’s another post.

Assassinatio ns-R-Us
In addition to prayers, PatMart offers other products under Pat’s Prince of Peace label. There are the Nigerian Email Scams and the Jesus action figures with thunderbolt throwing grip were huge this Christmas. The AIDS Patient Penitentiary  (add-on gay hurricane attachment optional) also sold gangbusters. Pat has suffered a few product failures though. Just ask Hugo Chavez about Pat’s Assassinatio ns-R-Us Kit - he should have known better than to stock Chinese-made rifles for that kit. Buy American!

So, as a public service, let me offer some consumer advice to Mr. and Mrs. America and all the neocons at sea. Pat has all the credibility of Ann Coulter and George Bush glued together at their empty heads. If Pat’s prayers worked, he wouldn’t be selling them, he’d simply pray for an eternal flow of cash in his pockets and stay home to enjoy the hot tub at Chateau Robertson. The fact is that Pat is a charlatan. If you want to pray, go ahead. If you want to have a friend or a loved one pray for you, be my guest. Hell, if you can convince Pat to throw a freebie your way, more power to you. Just don’t send the man any more money. He’s already richer than God and probably has the Cayman Island tax dodges to prove it.

Just pray for God to give you the sense to come in out of the rain and go with the discount prayers. They’re always a better deal.

politics, 2008 election, iraq, omnipotent poobah


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One Response to “Pat’s Prayers Have Been Answered”

  1. Operationall y, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.

    Sir Julian Huxley (1887 - 1975)

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