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Pat’s Prayers Have Been Answered

Duuuude!Pat Robertson’s prayers have been answered - again. He apparently wandered off to consult a burning bush (pun intended) for advice on who will win the election and God slipped him a fixed betting slip on the outcome.

Of course, it isn’t unusual that Pat has been on the WWJD Hotline (1-555-GET-G OD). He and God have offered predictions and justificatio ns for all sorts of things over the years. Remember Hurricane Gloria? It was all about the gays. September 11? Ditto. It’s truly amazing that cash-poor, God-besotted rubes keep shipping him buckets of money to fund his suspicious African diamond mines.

The Human Race: Feh
I have a pretty low opinion of the human race. We’ve proven time and time again that we can’t be trusted to do anything right. Give us a nice place to live and we insist on polluting the whole planet in return for a Hummer than can handle the heavy snows of Key West. When an opening for Leader of the Free WorldTM came up…well, you know how well we handled that…TWICE! But the one thing we never do is pay retail.

In purely economic terms, smart God shoppers should avoid shopping at PatMart. They pay Pat wholesale prices to pray for them even though the nation’s leading deity experts confirm you can do that absolutely free. Besides, Pat sells a defective product. Aside from desperate, terminal cancer patients saying Pat’s Perfect PrayersTM cured them, most prayer purchasers seldom gets results worth their $100 “donation” to the 700 Club. Personally, I’d support a Consumer Product Safety Commission ruling requiring Pat to put “Paid Endorsement” in unreadable tiny letters at the bottom of the TV screen. However, that’s another post.

Assassinatio ns-R-Us
In addition to prayers, PatMart offers other products under Pat’s Prince of Peace label. There are the Nigerian Email Scams and the Jesus action figures with thunderbolt throwing grip were huge this Christmas. The AIDS Patient Penitentiary  (add-on gay hurricane attachment optional) also sold gangbusters. Pat has suffered a few product failures though. Just ask Hugo Chavez about Pat’s Assassinatio ns-R-Us Kit - he should have known better than to stock Chinese-made rifles for that kit. Buy American!

So, as a public service, let me offer some consumer advice to Mr. and Mrs. America and all the neocons at sea. Pat has all the credibility of Ann Coulter and George Bush glued together at their empty heads. If Pat’s prayers worked, he wouldn’t be selling them, he’d simply pray for an eternal flow of cash in his pockets and stay home to enjoy the hot tub at Chateau Robertson. The fact is that Pat is a charlatan. If you want to pray, go ahead. If you want to have a friend or a loved one pray for you, be my guest. Hell, if you can convince Pat to throw a freebie your way, more power to you. Just don’t send the man any more money. He’s already richer than God and probably has the Cayman Island tax dodges to prove it.

Just pray for God to give you the sense to come in out of the rain and go with the discount prayers. They’re always a better deal.

politics, 2008 election, iraq, omnipotent poobah

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Religious Fanatics Demanding Death and Vengeance

There are just too many whacked-out delusional religious crazies out there. And it seems to be getting worse. Demanding the death penalty just because of a religious disagreement  , or a perceived insult?

Take this asshole (please). This douchebag prays for the assassinatio n of a foreign leader. When another foreign leader nearly dies from a stroke, said douchebag starts gloating that the stroke was “God’s punishment. And whenever a natural disaster strikes ANYWHERE, this same sack of shit just drools with vengeful delight — this hurricane/fi re/flood was God’s way of punishing those sinners.

And we all remember when this doctor was executed by a religious zealot. He was murdered because he performed a medical procedure that some Christians believe is wrong. His murder took place after numerous death threats against him and his colleagues.

Lots of Christian families send their children to summer “camps” where they get indoctrinate d and programmed to hate anyone and anything that’s different or “un-Christ ian.”

Oh, and in Sudan, thousands of crazed imbeciles are demanding the death penalty for a British teacher living in Sudan. She had “insulted Islam by allowing her class (of 7-year-olds) to name a teddy bear Mohammed. WTF???

And don’t think it’s any different here. It’s too easy to think “oh, that’s just a primitive country ten thousand miles away. What’s with those wacky Moslems?”

Here is what separates us from Sudan: We’re a prosperous society living under a secular democratic government (for now at least). Let’s keep it that way. There are lots of crazed extreme “Christians” who would just love to turn our government into a theocracy. Don’t think “it can’t happen here.”

Maybe we should have an internationa l gladiator festival. James Dobson, Pat Robertson and Fred Phelps — and their demented followers — could have a bloody fight to the death with their Moslem counterparts . The bloodier the better. The sickfucks could realize their lifelong dream of Killing The Enemy, and the other 99% of us could just get on with our lives.

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Pat Robertson endorses Rudy Giuliani. And I’m not making that up.

They say shocking news comes in threes. First we get news this week that Rep. Ron Paul raked in more than $4 million in just ONE DAY, on an interesting fundraising campaign that coincided with Guy Fawkes Day. (This was also the Nile’s birthday, but rumor has it that this had little to do with Paul’s decision to use November 5 as a fundraising push.)

But even more shocking than that comes news this morning that Pat Robertson — yes, that Pat Robertson, who once suggested that maybe we’d be better off if a nuclear weapon hit our State Department — is endorsing Rudy Giuliani for President.

I can only imagine the sh*t-eating grin that Rudy has on his face right now, as you can bet he’ll be throwing this endorsement out there left and right to quash the talk that the religious right is uncomfortabl e with him due to his somewhat pro-choice inklings and his tacit support of some gay rights. Mitt Romney must be so pissed right now. After all, Romney fought so hard for the endorsement of uber-Christi ans Bob Jones and Paul Weyrich, that a Robertson endorsement seemed written in the stars.

More on this later, but surprising news nonetheless.   Ron Paul rakes in $4 mil in 24 hours; Pat Robertson endorses Rudy Giuliani; what shocking news comes next? Perhaps the Miami Dolphins, a sentimental Nile favorite, might win a game?

Now that would be truly shocking.

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